untitled, saturday the 13th

this is one of those afternoons.

the ones where we get gloomy, and start thinking about everything and everyone and what they're doing.

when we feel like no one included us into anything.
or maybe we're just paranoid. could it be an imbalance of chemicals in our heads?
we feel like there's a grey cloud over our head, pounding us with hail.

yes hail. because it stings and leaves bruises. black and blue and sore all over.
it's everyone else parading their happiness.

why can't we feel this way? why must we feel so... not-right?

maybe we should talk to a doctor. because whatever this is, it's not good for us.
we don't feel like listening to music, or talking to others and avoiding homework.
hell, avoiding everything. sometimes we even skip showers.

fuck it, there's deodorant right? and cologne, yes cologne!
and then we remember everything everyone makes into a big deal.

example: when see a cockroach in public. we scream like we've never seen one.
fact is: our houses have them. they crawl at night.
we visit the kitchen after the sun has set. we don't react as harshly.

we want a rendezvous with our beds. our haven, maybe we'll get some sleep,
but no. we are bombarded with thoughts of everything. our own heads won't leave us alone. we think of what we had, what we could have had.
first grade, yesterday, tomorrow.

dumb things flood our mind. that awful knot invades our throat.
that god-awful knot! it makes everything feel heavier.
the mirror's there, it makes us sadder. makes us cry and say:
"why am i fucking crying?! look at me, i look horrible when i cry!"


and then we feel a little better. we probably just missed feeling like a human.
even if it's for a little while. that beautiful thought makes us crack a smile.
we're only human. let's go back to being four years old. when we really didn't care.

that's what i needed. to share these thoughts. now, i'll go watch "hey arnold!"
it'll cheer me up. make me feel secure, smile even if it's for five seconds :)