i want to hold your hand

and tell you all the little things that make my life run like an engine. the things that rev me up and wind me down, the things that bug me and the things that i love. you are the key. see what you ignite in me and then i'll show you what i can start up in you.

i dont want you to whisper sweet nothings into my ear. i long for those whispers to have meaning. i want you to plant your promises, and watch them bloom into birds of paradises and beyond. to grow that vineyard and make it the best damn thing i've ever helped flourish

because you deserve the best from me.

you give me that weird feeling. the one where i want to sing like a one-man-choir, and grind my teeth together as hard as i can. because even with cracked teeth we'd love eachother.

we'd never go hungry because i'd cook for you everyday (and apologize for not cooking it correctly). then, you'd reassure me that it's the thought that counts. making me fall in love with you every single day.

—or maybe we can live off of love! love in spoonful bites. appetizing, non-fat, dairy-free, all-natural, organic love. delicious to the tongue, mind, heart, and soul. to diminish the hunger that strikes it. to make it pump harder every time i see you.

because whenever i see you, you make me feel like that little kid again. making me want "that" and "that" and "that". and i'd seek your approval, and would not work hard to gain it because truth-be-told, you want "that" and "that" and "that" when you see me too.

so help me find that. let's look together. just us two. holding hands.

sea of change

can you feel it? that forever changing tide that can drown us or leave us wanting more? it submerges us wholly, and sometimes we like it but other times we just wish it'd go AWAY.

i don't want it to change me. i want to remain myself. to tell those meaningless jokes that can only be understood by another half. like we both were in the same body at the same time, as one—giving it life, birthing it.

see, i want to be surrounded by the people that understand me and know me well. the ones that can predict my thoughts and actions with just a look of my facial gestures. i want them to be able scream at me mercilessly and still find time to make me laugh.

perhaps it's a part of growing up. we change, we grow, we move away. but is it true what they say: "you can take the kid out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the kid"? that we can be ourselves without assimilating into our new surroundings? i can only hope.

sometimes i wish that i weren't in the tide. can't i be the boat, or even the captain? heck i can't even swim... what's supposed to be my floaty? my mom? and what about my compass? what ever it is, i sure hope it's there to guide me.

untitled, saturday the 13th

this is one of those afternoons.

the ones where we get gloomy, and start thinking about everything and everyone and what they're doing.

when we feel like no one included us into anything.
or maybe we're just paranoid. could it be an imbalance of chemicals in our heads?
we feel like there's a grey cloud over our head, pounding us with hail.

yes hail. because it stings and leaves bruises. black and blue and sore all over.
it's everyone else parading their happiness.

why can't we feel this way? why must we feel so... not-right?

maybe we should talk to a doctor. because whatever this is, it's not good for us.
we don't feel like listening to music, or talking to others and avoiding homework.
hell, avoiding everything. sometimes we even skip showers.

fuck it, there's deodorant right? and cologne, yes cologne!
and then we remember everything everyone makes into a big deal.

example: when see a cockroach in public. we scream like we've never seen one.
fact is: our houses have them. they crawl at night.
we visit the kitchen after the sun has set. we don't react as harshly.

we want a rendezvous with our beds. our haven, maybe we'll get some sleep,
but no. we are bombarded with thoughts of everything. our own heads won't leave us alone. we think of what we had, what we could have had.
first grade, yesterday, tomorrow.

dumb things flood our mind. that awful knot invades our throat.
that god-awful knot! it makes everything feel heavier.
the mirror's there, it makes us sadder. makes us cry and say:
"why am i fucking crying?! look at me, i look horrible when i cry!"


and then we feel a little better. we probably just missed feeling like a human.
even if it's for a little while. that beautiful thought makes us crack a smile.
we're only human. let's go back to being four years old. when we really didn't care.

that's what i needed. to share these thoughts. now, i'll go watch "hey arnold!"
it'll cheer me up. make me feel secure, smile even if it's for five seconds :)